don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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