respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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