It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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