My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
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They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
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Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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