she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
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Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
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When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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