Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
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I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
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ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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