Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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