We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize