hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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