He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
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The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
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Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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