i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
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If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
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My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
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