After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
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I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
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you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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