I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
The best revenge is premature balding
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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