Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
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