he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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