god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
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Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
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I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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