you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
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i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
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He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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