The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
no you cant smoke seaweed
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
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I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
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That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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