i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
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NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
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I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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