I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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