she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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