...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Did I show you my penis last night?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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