I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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