She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
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Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
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I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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