cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
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He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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