dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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