can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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