I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
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The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
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Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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