even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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