if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
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