So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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