this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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