There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
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I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
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Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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