someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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