It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
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I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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