I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize