i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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