Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
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I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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