I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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