This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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