u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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