I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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