my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
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I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
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His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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