If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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