Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
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I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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