Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
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That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
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It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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