apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize