i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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