bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
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Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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