she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
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If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
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Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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